Ghosts of Another Life
by LothCat
Summary: "That boy was a nobody, a never-was. An unwelcome squatter in the back of his grey matter. Whenever Kanan had an idea that Caleb Dume would have agreed with, it was usually better to stay inside and order a double." - A New Dawn Ezra's imaginary friend is somewhat more than imaginary, but not by much.
1. Chapter 1

Having an imaginary friend wasn't uncommon and Ezra was always such a friendly child it seemed almost inevitable he'd end up with one.

"An' he's from kor-sant an' he's 14 so nearly a grown up an' he knows everything an'…" Mira just smiled as her son babbled, scrubbing his face clean of the sticky layer of dirt all small children seemed to attract simply by existing.

"He does, does he?" She scrubbed at the stubborn dirt under small fingernails.

"Uh huh." Ezra nodded enthusiastically.

"What was your little friend's name again?" Mira prompted, finally deciding her son was clean enough to sit at the dinner table with them.

"Caleb." Ezra formed both syllables carefully, smiling them he got it right. "His name's Caleb." 

* * *

Ezra stopped talking so much about Caleb as he grew older. While they never said anything outright he knew his parents thought of it as a baby game, that he should spend more time with his real friends. He did, but he wished he could convince them that Caleb was just as real as anyone else, just… different.

He wasn't around all the time, sometimes he'd be gone for weeks at a time, but when he was back he felt as real as everyone else around him. So what if he was a little transparent and couldn't touch anything? Caleb was the one who explained how he had to be careful, not to talk about when he knew things, to not do things too much better than his peers.

One time he was frustrated at being unable to reach something on the top shelf, he dragged a chair over but it was still just out of reach and he shoved. The book crashed to the floor without him ever touching it. He had never seen Caleb so worried. He told him he didn't do anything bad, not at all, but if people knew very bad things would happen. He put transparent hands over Ezra's and looked into his eyes and made him promise. He did. 

* * *

When they talked about shutting down the old communications tower on Lothal and building a new one more centrally located to the new Imperial Building, Ezra knew his parents thought they were keeping it secret. That he didn't see their worried looks, the talk of how it was getting harder and harder to find a job that wasn't for the Empire. Caleb never lied to him and told him it would be ok, but he sat with him and told him stories and jokes about places and people Ezra had never even heard of in school but he could picture so clearly until Ezra nearly forgot how tense his parents sounded.

When the tower was shut down and all the workers given the choice to sign up as official Imperial Telecommunications Trainees or leave, Ezra laid in his bed and pretended to sleep as his parents hauled in piece after piece of equipment to the basement.

"_It's important_" Caleb told him. "_They're heroes._"

Ezra believed him. 

* * *

When the soldiers came and took them away, Ezra raged. It felt like there was too much anger and grief for his body to hold, it gnawed at his chest like a Loth-wolf. Tseebo didn't even try to stop him as he kicked walls, clawing at the furniture with fingernails that soon went ragged, breaking what little he could manage with all the helpless fury of a small child. He would have lashed out with his mind if it wasn't for the half remembered promise lurking in the back of his mind. That night he laid in the middle of rumpled sheets, crying until his eyes were dry and all the sounds caught in the back of his throat. Caleb never came. He didn't know what he'd do if he did. He had just turned seven.

Two months later, when Tseebo walked out and never looked back he tried to be angry, to be hurt, anything. There was just nothing left. He didn't even react when Caleb sat down beside him, expression unreadable.

"Are you a ghost?"

Caleb startled like he didn't expect the question. "_No. I mean, not like you'd think. I'm not dead._"

"What are you?"

Caleb stared out like he'd never actually considered the question. "_I guess… the closest thing would be a memory._"

"That's dumb."

"_Yeah, guess it is._" 

* * *

Ezra didn't truly want to survive, not at first. Caleb was the one who coaxed him, bullied him, yelled at him into taking care of himself. He nagged him into finding shelter, pointed out people who might be willing to spare some food, and told him there was no shame in raiding the garbage bins when people weren't kind. He told Ezra it probably wasn't personal, people did stupid things, cruel things, when they were frightened. And everyone was frightened that even saying the name 'Bridger' might bring down the eye of the Empire on them.

Caleb never called him weak when he couldn't go back into the condemned house and instead trekked for hours out to the old abandoned communications tower with the faint stirrings of what felt like it might be hope. 

* * *

Ezra took a long slow breath, leaning on the railing and looking out across the grassland towards the city. He wasn't surprised to feel the faint presence and catch Caleb out of the corner of his eye, leaning against the railing beside him. He hadn't seen his friend as much lately, he tended to show up when he was getting ready to do something very brave or very stupid. Caleb looked slightly different now. For as long as Ezra could remember he'd looked the same, short cropped dark hair except for one long skinny braid by his ear and robes too large for his small frame. Then roughly a year ago he'd gotten a little taller, his hair long enough to pull back into a short tail except for the braid that still dangled freely. Ezra had accused him of changing just because they were finally the same age, but Caleb had shrugged and told him it had more to do with compromises.

What compromises that might be he was surprisingly tight lipped on. Ezra knew most personal things about his friend from putting together pieces rather than being told directly. Intense emotions could keep him from coming close at all, like his rage and grief at the loss of his parents, but he had no clue where he went the rest of the time. He was quick to talk about stories of his friends and teachers, but the one time Ezra had asked where they were now, Caleb had looked stricken and vanished, not coming back for a solid week. He hadn't asked again.

"Haven't seen you around in a while." Ezra had learned if he 'thought' loud enough Caleb could hear him just fine, which came in handy, but like this there was no one else around to hear and wonder.

"_Yeah. Been kind of busy. And can't stay long._" Caleb didn't look like he was about the rush off, not slouched against the rail. How he could pass right through solid objects and still slouch like that Ezra had never quite figured out. "_Just wanted to wish you luck._"

"Thanks, with what? I don't exactly have anything planned." Ezra grinned at him, acting on impulse and reaching to touch his shoulder. For a moment it nearly felt like he made contact, warm and solid, and then his hand was passing through.

"_Would it be any fun if I told you everything?_"

"Fun? Of course it would be fun, it would be the most fun ever. Now spill." But Ezra was talking to thin air, and he made a face, looking out again as a shadow suddenly fell over the tower and he looked up at the belly of a Star Destroyer. 

* * *

Later, much later, as he was watching the reunited Wookie father and son he felt the same warmth on his shoulder and he nearly blurted out the wrong name. Kanan wasn't Caleb though, but maybe he could make some new friends. And when Caleb came back around he'd have so much more to tell him.


	2. Chapter 2

"_Ezra, get up, you need to get up._" The voice was right in his ear, far too loud.

Ezra tried to tell Caleb to shut up, but it was strangely hard, he couldn't seem to open his eyes.

"_Please, come on. You have to get up_."

Ezra managed to make a small sound, opening his eyes slightly, and wishing he hadn't, with awareness came pain. It felt like his leg was on fire and he automatically tried to jerk away from the pain, his throat closing on a scream.

"_Shh, that's it, look at me, you can do it, Ezra._"

He finally met his eyes, breath coming in shallow pants, disoriented. Caleb looked frantic, his form nearly flickering as he crouched over Ezra sprawled form. He kept reaching out as if this time he'd manage to shake his shoulder, never making contact.

"_You need to get up, you made too much noise, there will be people coming to investigate any minute now._"

It was coming back to him slowly, things had been slow and it was trash day. There wasn't much dignity in digging through people's trash, but he'd left dignity behind a long time ago when there was a chance of finding something valuable, especially in the nicer parts of the city. This was one he'd been through plenty of times before, when the family's kids were younger they'd sometimes dropped actual valuables into the trash and he could go home, get cleaned up, and come back the next day with a tale of finding the bit of jewelry on the ground beside the trash and the family would usually reward him with more than he'd get for pawning it. He'd been looking through when he spotted a figure skulking along the edge of house. Normally he would have ignored it, while there was no honor among thieves he wasn't going to stick his neck out for strangers. Something about it though sent alarms all through the back of his mind and before he could stop to think he'd yelled, confronting them. They raised a weapon of some kind and he'd hit them square in the face with his slingshot, but they'd gotten off a blast.

Served him right for trying to help. He could hear voices now, besides Caleb. That was good, they'd find the other before the stun wore off, but it meant he didn't have much time.

"_Can you stand? Please say you can stand._"

"My leg…" He bit back a whimper, but slowly started pulling himself up. He could barely stay up, every step was agony.

"_Good, you're doing great, just keep following me._" Caleb stayed right in front of him, step by halting step. Ezra was glad for it, he couldn't think to remember where he'd left his speeder. It felt like forever before he was half collapsing across it.

He didn't remember most of the ride back to his tower, which was probably for the best. He just wanted to collapse into a little ball and hope the pain stopped.

"_You need to get the first aid kit._" Caleb watched him wobble, reaching out helplessly.

"Just… just let me rest, just a minute." He slumped against the wall, trembling and feeling like he might throw up.

"_There's painkillers in the med kit._" Caleb coaxed him, knowing if he went down he might not get back up.

"You have no idea what I'd give right now to have you be able to get it for me." Ezra leaned against the wall, using it as a prop as he slowly walked, mostly dragging his leg at this point. He hadn't touched the kit in years. At times he'd thought about selling it, it wasn't like he could eat bandages and most of the scrapes and bumps he got he could ignore and they healed up on their own.

He made it to the kit, grabbing it up, and then he finally gave in, slumping to the floor. The leg of his pants was already burned and he just ripped it to get the fabric out of the way.

"_Try not to look too close._" Caleb cautioned him

Ezra swallowed, the warning coming too late. It was wet, though the energy had mostly cauterized the wound, so it was just oozing sluggishly. He'd never had such a close look at a blaster wound, and not on his own shin. He felt faint for a moment, everything graying out. His vision came back with Caleb frantically waving a hand in his face.

"_Don't pass out don't pass out don't pass out._"

"I'm not." He tried to sound a lot more confident than he felt, grabbing at the kit again. "Which…"

"_This one._" Caleb pointed to one of the bottles. Ezra pulled it out with a shaky hand. It took a couple tries but he got it aimed at the wound, spraying it. Almost instantly it felt like he'd dunked his leg in ice water, cold enough to make him gasp, but the cold was followed by a wave of numbness. He just sat there, trembling and marveling in how good not hurting felt.

"_Bandage it up to keep it clean._" Caleb didn't look so stricken anymore, motioning towards the bandaging pads. Ezra was a little more coordinated as he opened it up, sealing it down over the wound.

"Can I go to sleep now?" He still felt lightheaded, nearly giddy, barely able to focus on Caleb's face.

"_You're just one room away from your bedroom_." Caleb gave him a hesitant smile.

"That's like… a thousand parsecs. No." Ezra grumbled, slowly packing up the med kit, but he held it to his chest, managing to get back upright. His leg felt wooden and he couldn't feel his foot, but it was so much better than the pain. He finally collapsed into the bed, dropping the kit beside his bed where he could reach it.

"_Knew you could do it._" Caleb stayed close, sitting weightlessly on the bed, reaching like he was going to brush Ezra's hair back. It was a ghost of a touch, just the impression of warmth.

Ezra made a soft agreeing sound, eyes closing. It was several long moments, before exhaustion overwhelmed him, that he thought to open his eyes and thank him. But Caleb was already gone.

* * *

Ezra blinked stupidly up at the sky, taking a minute to remember where he was.

"Ezra!"He felt a hand at his upper back, lifting him a little as his helmet was tugged off.

"Hey." He managed an embarrassed grin. "No vision that time, I really did get stunned, didn't I?"

"Yeah. Not bad though." Kanan smiled back, relieved. "I don't think anyone could have blocked those last few shots.

They couldn't count on the troopers standing back and letting the Inquisitor fight without interference, so Sabine and Zeb were providing crossfire, making them block the blasts in the middle of the spar. It was chaos.

"I will next time." Ezra sat up, rubbing briefly at his shin where the scar sometimes twinged before hauling himself to his feet, reaching for his helmet. He slid it on, looking around. For just a moment he thought he'd seen… but Caleb hadn't been around since he hooked up with the Ghost crew. He tried not to worry, what could hurt someone who was nearly a ghost himself? He kept thinking of asking someone, Kanan didn't seem like he'd think he was crazy, but something kept holding him back. Maybe if Caleb ever showed back up he could ask. For now he shoved the helmet back on, turning on his lightsaber and getting back in position.

The blades hit with a crackle of energy and there was no time to dwell on the past.


	3. Chapter 3

The first sign anything was wrong was when Ezra was uncharacteristically silent while they debated the job offer back on ship. Kanan was arguing that it was easy credits, Sabine was listing off all the easy credit jobs that had been anything but easy, and Zeb backing her up with creative ways this one could go unpredictable wrong. Normally it was even odds on if Ezra would back his Master or go against him, but he seemed distracted. No one had paid it too much mind though, the planet they were visiting had entirely different day-night cycles and everyone was a little short on sleep and off their game.

The real reason became clear enough when he suddenly lurched up from the table, looking uncharacteristically pale, and rushed to the 'fresher. Kanan winced in sympathy, the walls were thin enough everyone could hear the sounds of him getting sick up. The food at the bar hadn't been great, but it was better than nothing and at least different from what they'd been eating on ship. No one said anything when Ezra did come back, muttering an excuse.

"I'm just saying, unless we find out more details you can't say for sure…"

"Zeb, they're not going to pack an entire troupe of dancers into three crates. I already told them no drugs, no sentients, no banned weapons. If the cargo's not what it seems, we bail and keep the deposit."

"Mining equipment turned out to be a puffer pig. 'Course if Ezra hadn't let it out…" Zeb paused, glancing almost hopefully at the young padawan.

"Wait, now we're saying I let it out? You let it out, and then you scared it." It took Ezra a second to realize the opening, but he sounded normal enough.

"Yeah, well if you'd grabbed it when I told you to…"

Kanan smiled, relaxing some when Ezra seemed better. His relief was short lived when it wasn't even ten minutes later that Ezra lurched back towards the 'fresher, and didn't quite make it. His face was flushed as he leaned against the wall, one arm propping him up and the other wrapped around his middle.

"S-sorry, I'll clean it up." Ezra looked like he wanted to crawl into the vents and hide for a solid week, Zeb was the first one to move, putting a hand on his back.

"Nah kid, I got it. You sit back down."

Ezra took a shaky breath, straightening back up. "I think… I'm going to lay down instead. Sorry guys."

"Don't be sorry" Hera tried not to crowd him, walking with him down the hall to make sure he made it, not happy with how unsteady he looked.

"It was probably just whatever I ate, I'm feeling a little better."

"Good. We have medicine for nausea on board, but if it is what you ate, better to get it out."

Ezra nodded, not really meeting her gaze as he climbed carefully up to his bunk, not wanting to make any sudden movements.

"And no one blames you for this." Hera didn't want to embarrass him any further, but she found a bucket, handing it up. "It's not your fault."

"Then why am I the only one sick like this?" He took the bucket, shoving it against the back wall.

"I don't know, but with luck you'll be feeling fine again after some sleep."

"I'll try." 

* * *

Hera woke up to her door beeping at her, sleepily sitting up and unlocking it before glancing at the clock, she'd only been asleep a few hours. They'd decided to take the job, they couldn't really afford not to.

"Sorry to wake you, Hera. Need the medkit." Zeb stepped in, going right to where she kept the supplies and opening it up, picking up bottles to read the contents.

"Ezra? Isn't it better to let him get everything out?"

"Nothing's come out the last seven or eight times he's tried. I should know, I've been cleaning up after him."

"Seven or… The bottle on the far right, yes, that one." She started to swing out of bed before Zeb held up a hand.

"I've got it, go back to sleep. I'll let you know if anything changes, but no news is good news."

Zeb carried the bottle out with him, going back to his room. Ezra didn't even fight him, swallowing the dose of medication without any backtalk and closing his eyes again. Zeb knew he should try and doze while he could, but he waited until the tense miserable look finally eased from Ezra's face and the kid finally slept for real before he laid down to sleep. 

* * *

Ezra wasn't much better the next morning, the nausea had passed but he was feverish. Fever reducers helped, but only for a little while before his temperature crept back up. Kanan ended up taking him to his own room, so Zeb could finally sleep.

Kanan wrung out the cloth, wiping it over Ezra's flushed cheeks before putting it back on his forehead. He glanced at the chronometer, but it was still far too early to give him another dose of medicine. Everyone was dealing with their worry in their own way, Hera had reluctantly set course for the cargo pickup, but he knew she'd plotted out the fastest ways to all possible medcenters that they might be able to safely use without alerting the Empire who they were. Sabine had pulled up entire libraries of medical info, and was using Chopper's help to sift through them for anything that might be useful. They didn't even know what they were dealing with, if it was an illness Ezra was the only one who'd caught it, at least so far. A toxin seemed less likely, and for poisoning they'd all been together and eaten the same thing. There was no way to guess what would happen without having any idea of what was wrong in the first place.

Ezra muttered, shifting restlessly on the bunk. Kanan flipped the cloth to the cooler side and combed his fingers through his hair, making soft shushing sounds. Ezra had been slipping in and out of delirium and fever dreams, sometimes saying things that nearly made sense, and sometimes trying to call out for people. He recognized some of the names, others he had no idea of.

Ezra opened his eyes slightly, unfocused gaze darting around the room and he tried to sit up. Kanan had already dealt with a few of his struggles and it was far too easy to push him back down. "Easy, you don't need to go anywhere."

Ezra didn't fight the pushing too hard, but he kept looking around. "Caleb?"

The name startled him and it was only long practice at not reacting that kept him steady as he retrieved the damp cloth to soak it again. "Everything's fine, just relax."

"But where's Caleb? He should be here. I want him here." Ezra sounded far younger like this, scared.

It was easier for Kanan to lie than to try and argue with him. "He's fine, he'll be here later. You need to rest." He washed Ezra's face again. Even if he knew who he was talking about it wouldn't do much good. He'd gotten worked up about wanting to see Hera the last time his fever got bad and she'd come right away, but as soon as she was there Ezra had gotten confused again, not sure why she was there or what had been so important, and it had obviously upset her to see him like that and be unable to help. The only person he hadn't asked for was Kanan himself, and he wasn't sure if that was a good sign. He liked to think Ezra still recognized him like this.

Ezra finally settled down and closed his eyes again and Kanan sighed, arching and trying to crack his back. Finally the chronometer beeped and he gratefully started getting out another dose of medication just as the door opened.

"I think I've got it." Sabine waved a datapad, as Chopper beeped behind her, sounding triumphant.

Kanan winced as the sudden sounds startled Ezra, making him twist and struggle, reaching to brace him and try to keep him from flailing right out of bed.

"Sorry. But I think I found a lead" Sabine spoke quieter, shushing Chopper. "The dish we all ate, back at the bar. Some kind of fungus, right?"

"I think so."Kanan held him down a little longer after he stopped struggling, then went back to slowly petting through his hair.

"There's a fungus that grows all through that system, the locals call it Mynkah, it's perfectly edible and safe, unless you happen to be one of the 8% of humanoids who's violently allergic to it. Then you get all sorts of nasty symptoms, vomiting, confusion, and fever are three of the big ones. It's not exported because of the risk."

"And if that's not it?" Kanan didn't want to sound too skeptical, but they could make things worse if they mixed too many medications.

"Allergy medication's very safe, it would even explain why the anti-nausea meds helped, they're in the same class of drugs." Sabine held up the bottle, offering it to him.

"It's worth a shot then." Kanan took the bottle, taking out two of the pills and coaxing Ezra into sitting up. The first pill he didn't quite manage, biting down and then looking at Kanan like he'd betrayed him when he didn't let him spit it out. It took some doing but they both finally convinced him to swallow the second with some more water.

"Tastes horrible, Caleb." Ezra muttered, managing a glare at Kanan, but he laid back down without a fuss.

"Caleb?" Sabine looked at him curiously. Kanan shrugged as nonchalantly as he could manage.

"I've been dad, mom, Tseebo, Hera, and even you a few times. Maybe he won't remember any of this?" Kanan rolled his eyes, and Sabine managed a small smile.

"Better not have had me say anything stupid."

"So I shouldn't have told him you two were married with sixteen kids?" It was a little easier to joke than to watch Ezra for signs the medicine was working, and even if he was fairly sure Ezra wasn't following the conversation, the tone made him relax.

"That better be a joke, for your sake." Sabine smiled though.

"You'll never know. I think I can handle it now, if you want to go."

Sabine took it as the hint it was, nodding and heading towards the door. "We'll be coming out of hyperspace soon, keep your com on, but we should be fine just picking up a few crates. You don't have to leave, but if you want a break someone else can take over for a while. "

"Lets hope that's all it is. I'll be fine here." Kanan reached to turn on his com, setting it nearby, then looking back to Ezra. He had fallen back asleep and he reached for the cloth again, hoping it was a good sign. 

* * *

"Kanan?" The voice was a little drowsy sounding, but more aware than it had been all day and Kanan couldn't help a grin as he reached to feel Ezra's cheek.

"You're awake, how are you feeling?"

"Tired, sleepy. But… better? Yeah." Blue eyes focused on his face, then glanced around the room as he tried to sit up, then settled right back down without needing to be nudged.

"Good. It looks like Sabine was right, if we ever go back to that system you're staying away from the food. You're allergic to it."

"Allergic?" Ezra sounded more offended than confused. "I'm not allergic to anything."

"Apparently you are. The medicine might make you drowsy, but let me know if you start feeling bad again."

"I will." Ezra reached up a hand, to rub over his face. "Have you been here this whole time?" He remembered some weird dreams, not sure if anything was real. He thought Hera coming in might be real, but somehow didn't think they'd spent any time back on Lothal at his tower.

"Most of it." Kanan knew he should probably leave it alone, but curiosity nagged at him. "Who's Caleb?"

Ezra startled at that, staring at him a little too wide-eyed. "What.. was I saying things?"

"Mostly trying to talk to people. If you don't want to say, it's fine. I shouldn't have brought it up."

"Caleb's… Caleb was my friend, my best friend, growing up. He was older and kind of looked out for me, tried to keep me out of trouble. I haven't heard from him in a while, probably if he was smart he left planet a while ago." Ezra shrugged a little, looking away.

"I'm sorry." Kanan reached to squeeze his shoulder gently.

"Don't be, maybe we'll run into him again. Small universe right?" Ezra smiled, and then yawned.

"Maybe. I'll tell everyone you're doing better. If you start feeling bad again, medicine's right where you can reach it. Just take one to start." Kanan patted his shoulder, standing up so he could step outside and talk over the com, to let everyone know the good news about Specter 6. By the time he came back in, Ezra was already fast asleep. He took up his seat, unwilling to trust that he'd be fine this time, not until he was entirely sure he was out of danger. It was just coincidence, Caleb wasn't that unusual a name, but something about the way Ezra had looked so defensive at being asked about it nagged at the back of his mind. He'd have time to think on it, and if Ezra was keeping secrets he hoped he'd trust him enough to talk about it eventually.


	4. Chapter 4

"His name was Caleb Dume, he was a student and later a padawan, just like I was." Kanan spoke gently, watching Ezra's startled look. "Same first name as your friend, I know."

Ezra had been tired of going over the infiltration of the com tower over and over in his head, looking for a distraction. He'd asked about the Jedi, what it was like before the Empire, not sure if Kanan would give him any answers or just some mysterious sayings. The last thing he expected was that.

"Were the two of you friends?" Ezra bit his tongue on the dozens of things he wanted to ask, sticking to something safe.

"We were." Kanan had a sad smile on his face, looking up at the stars. "He wanted to be a Jedi Knight, save the galaxy, defeat bad guys, all of that. He didn't have a clue what a bad guy looked like outside of the pages of a history book."

"What other friends did you have?" Ezra was glad he wasn't looking at him, it made it easier to pretend he didn't recognize the names, the descriptions, biting his lip until it ached. Caleb was real, had been real at least. He even recognized some of the stories, pranks pulled, the time Caleb had gotten the grand idea to steal parts to build his own lightsaber long before he was supposed to and ended up setting a fire in the storage room he was hiding his project. He'd had grand plans to show it off and be promoted to padawan right away, instead he'd had detention for months.

The question that nagged at him most, long after Kanan got tired of talking and told him to go back inside and sleep, was one he couldn't ask. Why had Caleb never mentioned Kanan? He'd told about his other friends, to the point he'd had to stop himself multiple times from volunteering some fact about them that Kanan didn't mention. It didn't make sense, Kanan knew enough that they'd had to have been close.

Unless…

Unless there was very good reason Caleb never said anything. Ezra knew what had happened, not as well as Kanan doubtless did, but well enough. Maybe the reason Caleb had never said anything was because Kanan survived.

It made sense. There was no danger in telling a child all about people long past the point the Empire could hurt them, but someone alive and in hiding would be in danger. He stared into the dark for a long time, hoping against hope that Caleb would come back, at least for a little while. He'd wanted so badly to ask him about everything, he'd have a better idea what he should do. He was glad he hadn't blurted out to Kanan that he'd been talking to his dead friend, but at the same time the lie by omission seemed so much worse. He'd find a way to tell him, after the mission. 

* * *

Ezra was drowning on dry land and he couldn't seem to stop it. Kanan had lied. He'd had to have known he wouldn't be able to join them, he was just buying time. He'd lied to him, and he needed him back so he could yell and tell him exactly how much of an idiot he was. They all needed him back, and he couldn't think. If he could just think he could come up with a plan.

"_Ezra, you need to calm down._"

The voice came out of nowhere and it shocked him into stillness, slowly turning to look. Caleb looked more insubstantial than usual, flickering, like he was fighting against something. Ezra bit his lip and then took a long slow breath, running over the first of the meditation exercises in his mind until the emotions ebbed. He'd never been able to appear when he was this upset before. As his mind calmed, Caleb's form steadied until he looked just like he remembered.

"Caleb… What…"

"_Shh._" He made a quiet motion. "_I'm here, I just… it's complicated. Very complicated. And I promise I can tell you more soon._"

"Where have you been? Is it because I… I know I promised, but..." It had gone through his mind too many times, as a small child he'd sworn to hide his abilities, and then everything had happened. He hadn't thought Caleb would hold a childhood promise against doing the right thing, but as time had passed he'd wondered if he'd ruined everything.

"_What? No, it wasn't you. I'm glad you're getting trained, finally. It's not that. You want to get Kanan back, right?_"

"Yes!" Ezra barely managed to keep it to a forceful whisper.

"_He's not at the Imperial Center. He's… I'm not entirely sure, a ship. I don't know which one._"

"There's six Star Destroyers up there now."

"_Yeah._" Caleb jerked suddenly, like he was listening to something, flickering. "_I have to go._"

"Wait, you said you were going to explain!"Ezra reached out like he could hold onto him and stop him from leaving.

"_Soon._" And he was gone, leaving an empty feeling in his wake that chilled Ezra to the core. 

* * *

"Mustafar… Caleb, if you're listening, now would be a really, really good time to show up." Ezra felt sick, slumped on his bunk with his head in his hands. He didn't expect an answer, so he nearly jumped out of his skin when he heard something.

"_I'm here._" Caleb knelt on the bunk with him, slumped down and looking even more tired than Ezra felt. "_We can talk now. I think._"

"I…" Ezra made a soft frustrated sound, trying to think of where to begin. "Kanan told me about you."

"_Sort of. He lied about some of it, though I guess some of that's my fault._" Caleb managed a sheepish smile.

"Lied? About what?"

"_We weren't friends._"

"You weren't? But.."

"_Wait, that sounds wrong, let me explain. I am Kanan, kind of._"

"Now who's lying?" Ezra stared at him, but now that he had time to really see him, knowing Kanan so well, he could see it. Features that would sharpen with time, with worry and experience, were obvious now. His eyes were even the same shade of blue-green.

"_I'm not lying. It's a long story, but I'll do my best._" Caleb flickered a moment, looking pained, and then steadied.

"Are you ok?" Ezra wished he could do something, anything. It struck him suddenly that Caleb had probably felt like that a lot.

Caleb shrugged, taking a moment before he spoke again. "_When… when everything happened, I broke. Literally. When something that traumatic happens to a Jedi sometimes it happens, you amputate your old self to survive. I didn't know what to do so… I created someone who did. It wasn't perfect, I mean I was fourteen. But the Jedi were being hunted down and killed and it was all I knew how to be. I kind of… slept, for a while. I was aware of what Kanan was doing, but it wasn't really… me. And then I sort of drifted._"

"What happened?"

"_You did. I felt you and I was curious. And then you could see me, no one else could. I hadn't really realized how lonely I was until I wasn't anymore. And then there was all of this, that was a big change._" Caleb waved a hand around at the Ghost.

"When I came on board?"

"_What? No, it's not all about you._" Caleb chuckled quietly at Ezra's indignant expression. "_He… we, met Hera. We hadn't really ever considered there was another option besides just surviving, she gave us one. We started working together a lot more then._"

"So he knows about you?" Ezra wasn't sure why Kanan had never said anything. He hadn't said anything himself, true, but that was different.

"_Not… exactly. I think he thinks I'm like his conscious. He really doesn't have any clue, at least not yet._"

"Yet?" Ezra didn't like the sound of that, and Caleb nodded soberly.

"_We're…_" He made a soft annoyed sound "_I'm not sure the best word, blurring? Fragmenting? Merging? He started training you, which means he needs me. Kanan Jarrus has no idea about how to be a Jedi, I do._ " Ezra started to apologize and he held up a hand "_It's not your fault, it was already starting when we started working together, this just accelerated it. It's why I haven't been around. I could keep things from him before, but now… He'll remember this conversation, probably think it's a dream, but he'll remember it._ "

"What can I do?"

"_Nothing. Save him, save us._" Caleb stopped, he'd intended to tell him everything. From everything he could remember, when a Jedi split himself, one side eventually won, one way or another. He didn't know what would happen if they tried to merge, if it would destroy him, or Kanan, or both. He wanted to warn him, to give him some kind of chance to prepare himself. Nothing seemed to work.

"We will. Tell him that? Even if he thinks it's a dream, we're coming for him." Ezra clenched his hands into fists, not able to meet his eyes.

"_I will. I don't know if I'll be able to contact you again before then._"

"Whatever you can do." Ezra waited until Caleb flickered and vanished before he buried his face in his hands and let tears trip down between his fingers. In a little while he'd pull himself together, he'd go back out, he'd come up with a plan, but for now it took everything he had to hold back the fear he might lose his teacher and his best friend at the same time. He couldn't give in to fear, to the sick cold feeling that hovered tauntingly at the edge of his awareness. He'd lose them and lose himself and he owed them far more than that.

By the time he dropped back down the ladder and went out to find Hera, his eyes were dry. If anyone noticed how red rimmed they were, they were kind enough not to say.


	5. Chapter 5

Kanan stared at the wall conscious of each breath he drew in and out, but not meditating. He didn't dare at this point, focusing held the visions at bay but the moment his attention slipped...

_"Don't you dare put that in your mouth." _  
_High pitched laughter and a gap toothed grin._  
_"Oh that's disgusting, you're disgusting. Did you know that?"_

He reached up and rubbed over his eyes. He was going insane, it was the only thing that made close to sense. He'd thought at first the images and sounds were left over from the Inquisitor's attacks on his mental defenses, but they should be getting better. Instead they were worse. He didn't know when a vision would hit and they left him reeling, disoriented.

_Small fingers drawing an uneven grid on the tile with some form of chalk before gathering up the pieces needed for the game. Normally it would be played on sturdy boards with colored chips, two colors and an inbetween color chip. The object of the game was to make a row of five up and down of your color, grey chips could count for black or white. You could lose if you ran out of your own color, even if your opponent hadn't made a row. It was simple, but good for developing strategic thinking and planning ahead. _

_Caleb pointed to a square and Ezra picked up the painted pebble they were using for chips, placing the white pebble where he pointed before hesitating, slowly picking up a black pebble and looking for the best move. In some ways this was much harder than playing with someone good at the game, he could win easily but that wouldn't be any fun for either of them. Instead he had to keep it challenging enough for Ezra to keep learning, but still easy enough that Ezra could win now and then with encouragement. The board slowly filled and he was proud when Ezra spotted the easy openings he gave him, connecting all five before he ran out of black rocks. Ezra jumped up excitedly then, running to find his mother and drag her to the board. _

_Caleb was amused as the woman just ruffled blue hair, making Ezra giggle and duck away. As far as she was concerned Ezra was filling up the board himself with pebbles, but it kept him quiet and happy and she wasn't about to complain. Eventually Ezra came back to kneel down on the other side of the tile again. _

_"Ready for round two? I'm feeling lucky this time." _

_"Uh huh." It was easy to pick the tile up and just dump the rocks off, smudging the lines a little but not too much to continue playing as this time Ezra grabbed a white one to start them off._

Kanan blinked and listed to the side, biting down on his lip in frustration as he shook his head, trying to straighten back up. They weren't like any visions he'd ever even heard of. Normally they were about the future, and important. These were the past, and while he hesitated to call them unimportant they didn't seem like they had any real relevance on the here and now. He just needed it to stop, everyone was already worried. He didn't want to give them reason to worry, not after what they'd all been through.

_Caleb could see it coming, and he knows Ezra could too. But just being able to realize what's happening doesn't do any good when growing reflexes are still unable to compensate and Ezra took the corner too fast, slipping and going down in a tangle of limbs. His elbow scraped against the ground hard, and even through the fabric Caleb was fairly sure it was scraped. Ezra pulled himself to a sitting position, tugging his sleeve up, his eyes a little too wide and shining as he seemed to be trying to decide if he was going to cry or not. He crouched down in front of him before the waterworks could start, regarding his arm gravely. _

_"Hmm… yeah. Think we're going to have to amputate?" _

_That earned him a startled look. "No!"_

_"Are you sure?" Caleb fought hard not to smile. _

_"Uh huh." Ezra stood back up, shaking himself off just as his friends realized what happened and started over to see if the game was ending. Ezra waved to them, running to meet them._

"Kanan?"

It took him several long moment to realize the voice he was hearing was in the here and now, not part of his visions and he focused, looking up into bright blue eyes.

"Ezra, you should be resting." Kanan tried to sound normal, not wanting to worry him. Ezra still looked terrible, the bruises on his face dark and just starting to fade to greenish around the edges and the deep gashes on his cheek still covered with a thick bandage.

"So should you. Tell me what's wrong?"

"It's nothing, don't worry about it." He wasn't sure how to explain, what good it would do. Even if the visions were truly of the past, it seemed like a horrible invasion of privacy to tell him he was seeing so many private moments. Ezra was defensive about his past, how was he supposed to know he knew the names of all his toys and how long he'd wet the bed?

_It was like being caught in a storm, rage and grief and pain and no matter how hard he tried he couldn't come close enough to let Ezra see him, to speak to him. What would he even say anyway? The circumstances weren't the same, but feel of it was close enough to make him hurt, even like this. He gave up fighting against it and fled. Maybe with time he'd be able to come back, when Ezra would be willing to forgive that he wasn't either of the two people he needed right then. But until then he was helpless to even get close._

There was barely time to blink before he was overtaken by the next one.

_"Haven't seen you around in a while." _

_"Yeah. Been kind of busy. And can't stay long."_ And Kanan knew this, he'd seen it. He'd seen it shortly after arriving on Lothal. It had confused him at the time because it hadn't been like any vision he'd heard of, instead of bits of sound and flashes of things strung together it had been more like a dream. He could feel the difference now, even if it had confused him then. He was seeing what had happened while it was happening, not what would come.

He came out of the vision disoriented, barely aware that Ezra was saying something again.

"I.. I didn't catch that." He was vaguely aware he probably needed help, but he didn't even know how to ask.

Ezra took a slow breath, staring into his eyes like he was looking for something. "Caleb. Caleb, please, I don't know what to do."

Kanan started to speak, to say anything, but his body refused to listen to him. It was like he was suddenly a passenger in his own head and he fought down a stab of fear.

"It's ok Ezra, I'm here." He could feel his lips quirk up, his whole posture change. He fought against it frantically.

_"Hey! Hey, cool it. This isn't a bad thing, I don't think anyway. Just relax and let me have this? Please?"_ The voice was like his own, only not quite, and he felt himself calming a little. He recognized it, he'd certainly told it to shut up often enough.

_"Yeah you really did."_ That part just sounded amused and a little sarcastic.

"Caleb? What's going on now? Why are you, I mean why's Kanan..."

"It's like I said before, we're starting to blur together. He's getting all of my memories dumped on him like visions and I'm getting his and it's… messy." Caleb waved a hand, trying to illustrate when words failed him.

"Can't you do anything to stop it?" Ezra looked hopeful.

"I've been trying. It's… not really working that well."

"Oh."

"I've got an idea though. If it doesn't work, I'm sorry. Promise me you'll find someone else to teach you? Fulcrum, Ahsoka, she'll be able to help."

"Caleb, I don't want…" Ezra looked away then, shoulders hunched in on himself.

"Promise me."Caleb's voice was firm.

"I promise."

Kanan tried to think hard. _"What are you doing?"_

_"Just trust me."_

"Thank you." For a moment Caleb reached out, hesitant for a moment, and then the moment his hand made contact with Ezra's shoulder he was pulling him closer into a rough hug. Ezra threw his arms around him, uninjured cheek pressed hard against his chest as they clung to each other. Slowly, after what felt like several long minutes, they both eased away.

"Here goes nothing."

Kanan had dislocated his shoulder once, on a job. His supervisor had been sympathetic, poured him a shot of something that smelled like cleaning fluid and tasted worse, and then yanked the joint back in before the tissue had time to swell. That was the closest thing he could think of to describe what happened in his own mind. The feeling of something being out of place peaked and he stopped trying to fight against it, there was a moment of something that wasn't agony but defied proper description and then everything snapped back into place. It took his breath away and he slumped before he realized he had proper control of his body again.

"Are you alright?" Ezra was watching him, and he realized he had no idea how long that had just taken. "…Kanan?"

"Yeah, I'm alright." He straightened back up, feeling like everything had been half a step out of place and he'd never realized it, until now it wasn't. It felt amazing, nearly good enough that he almost missed the moment of grief that flickered across Ezra's face before he hid it.

* * *

Kanan found it strange that so very little had outwardly changed. It felt like everyone should have been able to glance and see how things had changed inside his head. He'd told Hera about it, of course, even if it wasn't important information she was his dear friend and partner. She had a right to know. It had been a little awkward, the explanation had relied heavily on gestures and metaphor, but he was fairly sure he'd gotten the gist across and she'd understood. She'd told him to take all the time he needed to adjust, but she wasn't worried about it. It was easier not to say anything to Zeb or Sabine.

The most he got from either of them noticing his better mood was Zeb's heavy pat to his shoulder as he headed to the table to get something to eat.

"Good to see you feeling more like yourself, eh?"

"You have no idea." Kanan chuckled at that. He felt like Ezra had described his experience at the Temple on Lothal, different and yet the same. The memories had settled in like they'd always belonged there, because they did. It explained a lot of things, why he hadn't felt anything at the time when he sliced off his own padawan braid, staring down at it like it belonged to someone else. It had. He remembered the feel of it now, with a bittersweet fondness of something in the past where it belonged.

He had nearly finished eating when Sabine started by, obviously annoyed. "Has anyone seen Ezra? He was supposed to help me run diagnostic checks in the Phantom over half an hour ago, but I can't find him anywhere."

"He was in our room last I saw him." Zeb spoke up.

"First place I checked, he's not there now. If you see him, remind him he's late?" She shook her head with a sigh.

"I thought he didn't have any chores scheduled so soon?" Kanan said absently, reaching out mentally for Ezra's Force signature. It was clouded, the young man obviously walling himself off to keep from being found.

"He's the one who suggested it, said he wanted things to get back to normal." Sabine shrugged, heading back towards the Phantom. Kanan knew well enough she didn't actually need someone else to run diagnostics like that, but she was probably looking forward to the routine work and company as much as anything.

Kanan got up, putting his plate away to be cleaned, and went in search of his missing padawan. Ezra tended to gravitate towards places he could see the sky when he was in a pensive mood, preferably somewhere high up, but there wasn't much that fit the second criteria on the ship. Even guessing at his hiding place he nearly overlooked him, tucked back in the aft gun port where he wasn't visible just glancing in.

"Sabine was looking for you." Kanan spoke quietly, not sure if Ezra was in a mood where he needed a little time to himself to sort out his own thoughts, or one where he wanted company and didn't know how to ask for it.

Ezra jerked a little at that, looking guilty. "The diagnostic, I forgot. She's going to kill me."

"Easy, she can handle it. Right now I think it might be more important that the two of us talk." He moved in to take the other side, sitting down. It was a little more of a tight squeeze, he hadn't been Ezra's size in a long time, but he wanted to talk with him without having to twist around or look down at him.

"It's not a good time." Ezra frowned, tucking up a little smaller. "Look, it's nothing personal, alright? I'm glad you're back, you have no idea how glad I am that you're back. I thought I'd lost you. I just didn't think… I didn't think I'd get you back and lose someone else."

"Ezra, look at me?" Kanan felt a stab of guilt, he didn't stop to think what it must have looked like to him, what he would have assumed. "I'm still Caleb."

"No, you're not!" Ezra glared at him at that, but there was more pain than anger behind it.

"Yes I am. I'm just not split anymore. Ezra, when you were six you had a loose tooth and you accidentally swallowed it. You spent hours crying because you thought the tooth-tooka wouldn't bring you a candy, remember?"

That got him the barest hint of a smile. "You kept telling me it would be fine and I'd get the candy anyway, because you knew my parents were going to leave it on my pillow no matter what. But that wasn't..."

"It was me. I remember all of it as it happened, just that I was a little more… see through at the time. Come here?" He waited patiently as Ezra considered it, then slowly scooted the short distance across the floor. "I've been wanting to do this for a while."

"Do what?" Ezra held still as Kanan reached out, separating out the hair at his temple.

"You might need to take it out when we go off world some places, but in the outer rim I don't think most people would recognize it, not on its own." As relatively short as Ezra's hair was it didn't take too long to weave the slender braid, fastening it off. Tucking it behind his ear hid it completely, at least until Ezra shifted his head and it flopped forward against his cheek again.

"A braid?" Ezra reached up to feel over it, with no mirrors anywhere close. "Like…"

"Like I had, yes. If anyone saw it and knew what it meant, they'd know you were a padawan, my padawan." The words felt right in a way he'd struggled with for far too long.

"I like it." Ezra smiled at that, leaning in just a little so his shoulder pressed against Kanan's upper arm, looking back up at the stars out the viewport.

"Sabine's still going to kill me."

"Probably" Kanan smiled at that. "Maybe you can make it up to her. I know she's been out of purple paint for a while, next place we stop you could pick some up."

"That's a great idea, thanks." As Ezra was relaxing he was lowering his mental defenses at the same time. Kanan wasn't about to go prying, but he could still sense the relief and cautious hope.

It wasn't going to be an immediate thing he knew, they'd have to find their new footing with the other, but they'd make it work. Kanan reached to ruffle Ezra's hair before letting his hand fall to his shoulder, and they sat in comfortable silence, watching the stars.


End file.
